Make a “health plan” together and then stick to it. If she is worried about weight gain or dieting, plan the menu together for meals that are healthy for both of you. And don’t sabotage the plan! There’s nothing harder than trying to lose weight when your other half insists on bringing home doughnuts every Sunday morning.
Plan ahead. Talk about situations that stress your relationship and make a plan for dealing with them. If visiting your mother sends her over the edge, talk about the best way to manage that so she can survive and your mother will still be talking to you. If going over the budget always ends up in an argument, talk about how you can discuss things without setting each other off.
Be playful. Keep your sense of humor and help her feel that there is still fun in your relationship. Plan surprise gifts or secret dinner outings that celebrate your connection. A light sense of humor will keep the doors open to closeness. Warning: Be careful not to use sarcasm to make a point, and don’t use humor as a way to show anger or disapproval. If both people aren’t laughing, then it’s not funny. Period.
Don’t pressure her for sex. This is a common struggle during the menopausal years, where libido may wane for her (or for you) and one partner wants sex more than the other. The trick is in finding a balance of closeness, touch and sexual activity. Vaginal changes during menopause may make sex uncomfortable or even painful. Focus for awhile on just staying physically close. Ask her what feels good to her, and offer it. A foot rub or a shoulder massage without any expectation of going further will keep you connected. If your sexual appetites are vastly different, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to reconcile them, it might be time to check into a sex therapist who can help you find the middle ground. If she is experiencing pain with intercourse, encourage her to talk to her medical provider about treatments that might relieve the discomfort.
Get help. If you don’t have the skills or are feeling lost in the forests of menopause, suggest that maybe the two of you could talk to a counselor. If you are not the “counseling type” it would be even more of a statement that you are committed to figuring this out if you offer to go with her to get some help during this bumpy time.
Not every woman will need heavy-duty support through menopause, but many will need at least a boost from time to time. Intention is worth a lot, and just knowing that you want to support her (and not blame or punish her) will go a long way. She needs patience, friendship and lots of laughter. She needs to know that you love her and that once you are through the worst of these changes, you will still be a couple.
Learning how to weather the menopausal years can set the stage for more fun and closeness as time goes on. It’s a chance to learn a few new steps in the relationship dance, and sets a tone of caring that can last for years.
